day one
It's been a rough few weeks, but the last few days have felt extremely thick. I've been reading, mindlessly scrolling, and deep into comments sections I have no business being in (under the guise of "taking the cultural pulse.")
A lot of it is having an actively transitioning partner and reading the news with a deep fear for my spouse's safety. Please dear god let this have nothing to do with trans people. But the facts are immaterial, as we saw over and over again with suspect releases and retractions. I felt like the news was going to tell me whether my spouse and I are safe. It's not.
Reality and grief are like a parallel set of stairs and a slide. In reality, I watch institutions bend and crumble, I fear the horrors I see, I grieve for a future I had imagined, and over time (weeks or months) that grieving slows down and joy trickles back into my life. Then, as things devolve (or feel like they are, which is more likely more of the time) I see reality move out of line with what my heart can handle until it breaks again and I grieve and take a stairstep down again to stay parallel with where I am on this slide of reality. As I adjust, light pours back in again. Rinse and repeat.
I'm not interested in bypassing that necessary grief, but I am interested in minimizing as much second arrow agony as possible. Grieving doesn't have to look like desperately clinging to the laptop in bed while my spine is screaming from the heart-in-my-stomach shoulder-slump for three hours. Maybe it will be meditations, which literally always help me manage my feelings - like this is a tool that works 100% on lightening my heavy heart yet I fight like I'm asking myself to pull out my toenails. Maybe it will be working the steps in AA - I have recently become step-curious after five years of sobriety, mostly because of this abusing of myself that I do with the god damn computer.
What it can't be is Reddit and news. I have my own thoughts about the doom-bots of Reddit - and yes, a lot of the people saying we're never having elections in the US again are bots, but I, too, am doomier than reality calls for. Even this reality. I consume and engage in the pushing towards nihilism I fight against in every aspect of my life.
So here is day one.
I will look at news, just my recovery Reddit, and Mastodon for less than 15 minutes total. If something big happens, my spouse will tell me. I can hold myself to that again, it worked for months before and I convinced myself I could manage it - where have I heard that before - and I am in a state.
I am re-tooling my systems. I do this when I need to really convince myself I'm transitioning into a something new, and I get a lot of energy from this process and period. It feels like shedding and revealing a shiny new set of scales - I like the shiny period in the first few days of new habits a lot. Here is my Notion dashboard, with graphics from Pixel Safari:
My to-do list is always the backbone of my dashboard. Checked off items are removed by the filter, and adding to this list is the only part of Notion I interact with on my phone. I uploaded favicons as custom emojis to designate tasks I plan to complete within the day - I like this butterfly net one. Having most important items stand out me not get too overwhelmed when the list is long.
I just started using Notion Calendar (based on my Apple calendar) and it's actually been pretty great - I tried Tutamail's calendar but it's too clunky and if I can't my calendar easy to use my life will unravel. I have a database list of upcoming events constantly updating from my calendar, and my full calendar is in a toggle at the bottom. To the right is a finite list for this month or period I'm in, as things get checked off they are still there so I can be glad I did them! Here I add goals like checking in on/making plans with friends, non-urgent appointments, and things I know would be good for me.
I am using Cold Turkey as my blocking software. It's a one-time payment that has been worth it (I wrote it off as an expense on my self-employment income lol) and it's the only thing that works for me. I listened to this podcast episode from two writers in recovery I listen to independently talking about how they are handling the news/social media/addiction and it sharpened my resolve a little.
That's longer than I meant to write. My spouse is making me dinner and I am going to be present with them. If we are going down, I am wringing as much joy as I can out of each day and looking at how I manage the grief and rage head on, eyes open.