in defense of a faceted self
Earlier last month, Ava wrote a great post about not splitting her professional and personal presences on the web:
Even now, there’s a weak link between work and this blog: As I finish my data protection certificate and talk about whatever moves me in that topic on here, I also volunteer whenever I can by translating court decisions for GDPRhub.
It’s something I’m not shy about at work and reference in applications for data protection roles, and my GDPRhub profile links this blog as well. I have wondered sometimes if it’s worth it to bend the knee to norms around work and professionalism and not put my data protection posts where my Hello Kitty Island Adventure guide is, and where literal copies of my notebook are. Not that that includes anything I wouldn’t share at work - I only publish what I feel comfortable saying at work - but still, there is this recurring pressure to draw a clear line, not be too personal, and to clean up the act.
This got me thinking and then spending hours writing a response. That I accidentally didn't save. And grieved. But it's probably for the best, since these thoughts feel like they have percolated through my little limestone brain. A second attempt!
I actually enjoy having different facets of my life - online and IRL - kind of separate. Facebook, which I left in 2020, became the trainwreck it is because of the context collapse it hastened. Through being an extrovert, living in multiple states, and being in a million dog breed/training/behavior groups, I ended up with 2k "friends" on Facebook. I created my own hell in which I couldn't post anything without one of those 2k people having a conniption fit in the comments or my aunt arguing with my friends or my dog group people freaking out that I was pro-choice. I eventually just stopped sharing anything.
I'm now more comfortable with the idea that not every single part of me is for everyone - including people I love very, very much. I don't want my IRL friends or family to read this blog and I write anonymously so that I can speak freely without keeping a 2,000-person audience of people to please in my head. Some of my co-workers - the most incredible teachers I know - are not impacted by my country's devolving political situation like I am, so they're not the best people to talk to without getting annoyed. My art business's account is followed by some the most petty leftists who would cancel me in a heartbeat if they knew I held some nuance on some issues. I don't want to talk politics on 32-bit Cafe - I save that for Mastodon. I don't talk recovery outside of my recovery spaces more than a bit here and there, because people don't get what it's like to have a brain like this and if I need to talk about recovery, I want to be understood.
And depending on my differing capacities and needs in a day, I can dip my toe into one group or another. I can talk to my group chat of friends from first grade, my secret recovery group on Reddit, or about websites on 32-bit Cafe on a day where I have low capacity for The Horrors. On days where I have capacity to catch up fully with the news, I can read some articles and then step into Mastodon or text my friends I exchange political information with. If everything is just too much and I feel depressed, I can commiserate with my neighbor next door who is just THROUGH it and appreciates friends sitting in the hole with them. And if I just want to feel joyous and open, I can text my sister (the nicest person in the world) or my art friends for a meetup in the park or to go to a party.
I think of Dunbar's number a lot - the often-disputed claim that there is a "limit imposed by neocortical processing capacity is simply on the number of individuals with whom a stable inter-personal relationship can be maintained" - that number being around 150 people. I think having facets of my life allows me to be in healthy community with more than that, while preserving my nervous system and actual open and authentic sharing of my thoughts - because they aren't for everyone.
I don't think I would have the guts to blog for more than fifteen people, so keeping my life faceted like I do is why I am able to try new things in smaller, safer communtiies.